I fucking hate you. I do, I really do hate you now.
I did all to see things you want. I loved you endlessly in spite and because of your flaws, insecurities, mistakes. I knew all these things about you, that you're insecure about your smile and that you love underwear and pens and pretty eye shadows.
I did all these things for all the right fucking reasons and this is where I ended up: on the outside, with no explanation and an abandonment complex. You broke all your promises to me.
You are a liar.
You were my reason to breathe, even when I didn't have anything else. I loved you so entirely. I did, and it was entirely platonic, unlike some who creeped you out. Why do they still retain your affections?
you said I was your favorite, that you'd never leave me.
You fucking lied.
and I hate you. I do, I really do hate you now.
For those of you wondering about my mom, she's doing a lot better, from what I've been told. I didn't find out until she had been here eight days due to phone issues and such, so all my knowledge is second-hand right now. She suffered a head injury while out dirt biking with my step-dad, and her MS meds interfered with it, she had a seizure and was in a coma for 6 days. Right now she's detoxing off those MS meds, and all we can do is wait. She recognizes me, and she's talking when she's not sleeping, but I'm a worrier, so I'm still worried.
Thank you all so much for your concern. It really does mean a lot to me, and I'll keep this updated.
-Jordan and Family.
She's still in the ICU, for the record. Just because she's doing better doesn't mean she's fine.
She's coming back up. When she talks, it's clear, she knows whats going on and everything. I was told, rather fiesty-like, that no one was allowed to make fun of her once she's better. My mother in a nutshell :p. She remembers Stevie, and this afternoon when I was asking about the EEG machine, we were discussing times, and she woke up to tell me 'no, you got her at 3:18.'
We're watching Blue Collar Comedy tour. Not the best entertainment, but she's laughing so I'm happy.
They're doing Dialysis tomorrow morning. Paul says she'll be a thousand times better after that. I'm sleeping here in the hospital tonight.
It's taken me almost half an hour to write this because I keep jumping up to see what she's saying. Every time I get settle to write something, she talks. Definitely not complaining, it makes me giggle though.
I am not a fan of this nurse, and neither is my mom. They washed her up a bit, jst a wet rag wipe down type thing, so Paul and I went for a walk. When we came back, she spoke the clearest sentence I've heard from her since I've been here "Write a note on my chart. tell them I am not cattle. just write the note ::Paul told her they were doing the best, but she is insistent::. Tell them I can hear what they say when they talk in the hallway." idk if it's just night nurses or what. The day shift is way nicer, from what I've seen. I mean, it's not like this nurse isn't doing her job, I guess I am just being protective, and letting the mental exhaustion get to me.
She gave her pain meds and now she's out again. She said it was an 8. I hope she hasn't been hurting that much for this long. It's knocked her back out, so maybe her sleep schedule will go back to normal. she's basically nocturnal right now. hopefully we can all get some sleep. I'm not sure how long Paul will sleep. I kind of want to just let him until morning, but I know I cant stay up all night, and I promised I wouldn't go out to that car. sigh. We'll see. I'll wait until I can't see straight or think even muddily.
Doing well. She's speaking clearly, it's not mumbled babbling anymore. Dialysis this afternoon, they're doing an ultrasound on her right now, but I'm not sure what they're looking for. This sir is also unfriendly. The day shift nurse for this room is cool, though. She brought in a recliner type chair, so both of us can be comfortable and sleep or whatever. We're taking shifts.
I wish people would just realize that I really do care about them more than I should. I just want people to be happy. Even the people I don't know, or even like.
Every one deserves happiness.